last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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