I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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