I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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