Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
