Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
