this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
