I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
