yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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