I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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