I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
