Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
high people should be assigned attendants
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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