Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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