you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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