You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
