I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
