I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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