so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize