I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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