just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
