Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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