Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
