Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize