I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
