I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
