I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
