Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
