Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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