I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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