Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
