Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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