He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
