There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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