this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
