I just cut my nipple shaving
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
