Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
