You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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