I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
