I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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