ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
