I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
