Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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