I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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