thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
