So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
