How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
