We won't sleep together?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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