Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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