Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
