the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
