Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
