I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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