Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
