So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just found puke in my bra..
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize