I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
