I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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