Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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