I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
