I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
