I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
