Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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