ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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