I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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