I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
